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Beruntungnya Aku Dpt Suami Chinese Look, Body Ketak Tp Aku Menyesal Seumur Hidup Lepas Malam Terakhir Kami.

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Foto sekadar hiasan. Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera. Hi. Nama aku Lyn. Maaf kalau story aku panjang sangat. Sekadar meluahkan. Aku berusia menjangkau 30-an, baru bercerrai sekitar bulan jun sejurus selepas raya, bekerja dalam bidang professional dan at this point, aku rasa aku lah se-loser loser manusia.

Aku kahwin sekitar umur aku 20 tahun++. Nama suami (now ex) aku Dani. Aku berjumpa Dani masa aku praktikal. Lepas praktikal aku diserap masuk company yang sama.

Paragraf 2

Sampai sekarang, aku dan Dani masih bekerja dalam company sama, cuma beza tingkat dan department. Dani tua aku 3 tahun. Our relationship was mutual.

Dia suka aku, aku suka dia. Lepas beberapa bulan kenal, dia ajak aku kahwin. Masa masih berkenalan, ada dia mention yang dia pernah tunang dan putus. Ex tunang dia nama Ameera.
Dani dan Ameera kenal dari kecik. Bercinta dari sekolah rendah, sekolah menengah bertunang, then putus tunang masa final year di university.

Sebab, Ameera dikahwinkan dengan seorang ustaz. Masa ni, itu je yang aku tahu pasal Ameera. Since benda tu dah berlalu, ameera pun dah kahwin, aku tak soal Dani lebih lebih. So aku dan Dani got married. Dani memang lelaki yang baik.

Jaga solat, baca quran hampir setiap hari, bagi nafkah setiap bulan, sama sama buat kerja rumah dan memang bertanggung jawab lah kira. Masa aku admitted hospital sebab appendix, dia jaga aku siang dan malam.

Rumah tangga kami pun happy, tak banyak masalah walaupun tak dikurniakan anak. Kami jarang gaduh, kalau gaduh pun sikit sikit misunderstanding macam tu je. Sejujurnya, memang aku cintakan dani sangat sangat. Dia jenis lelaki yang memang aku idamkan selama ni. Secara fizikal, dia memang good looking. Sedangkan aku ni biasa biasa je.

Dia chinese look, kulit putih, tinggi, very athletic, rambut panjang yang diikat rapi. Seriously rambut dia cantik. Cantik dari rambut aku yang wanita ni. Kisah aku bermula di sini. Lepas beberapa tahun berkahwin, Ameera muncul dalam hidup kami. Ameera kerja sama kawasan dengan ofis kami. Dani terserempak dengan Ameera masa keluar lunch.

Kami memang lunch asing asing sebab masing masing ada geng sendiri di ofis. Bila dia terserempak dengan Ameera, terus Dani tegur then exchange number. Aku tahu, sebab Dani yang cerita sendiri pada aku lepas balik kerja hari yang sama. Aku dan Dani memang selalu communicate. Sebelum tido akan cerita what happen to each other that day.

Kalau difikirkan balik, relationship aku dan Dani, sangat lah healthy. Tapi still jodoh masih juga tak panjang. Anyway, dari hari tu Dani selalu text Ameera. I read all of their texts. Rupanya Ameera dah dicerraikan. Sebab tu dia bekerja. Sebelum ni dia duduk rumah. Suami tak izin bekerja.

Then suami dia macam terjebak dengan satu movement ni, terus cerraikan Ameera bila Ameera tak mau join dia.

Ameera dah ada 3 orang anak masa ni. Semua anak anak dia ikut dia. Ameera sangat lah pandai dalam pelajaran.

Sebab tu dia senang dapat kerja lepas bercerrai. Tambah pulak dengan muka dia yang sweet sangat. Sumpah cantik. Nak banding dengan aku ibarat tong sampah dengan bunga la. Walaupun anak 3, masih maintain macam anak d4ra.

Ameera jenis perempuan melayu terakhir tau. Lembut, asik senyum je dan badan kecik kecik. No wonder Dani sayangkan dia.

Lepas around 6 bulan kot Dani jumpa Ameera, Dani decided untuk memperisterikan Ameera. Around that 6 months, aku tahu semua pasal depa.

I know because dani told me everything. Keluar lunch setiap hari. Text setiap hari kecuali masa Dani di rumah.

As a wife, memang masa ni aku down sangat. Dalam pada Dani merendek dengan Ameera, aku dapat accept sebab Dani jujur sangat. Tak pernah dia tipu aku. In fact masa awal awal dia jumpa Ameera, dia confess yang dia tak pernah lupakan Ameera. Ayat dia, “there weren’t a day goes by that i didn’t think about her”.

Bila aku soal, why did u marry me then? Dia jawab, for the sake of moving on. Aku terdiam. Tak tahu nak cakap apa.

Bila aku tanya dia sayangkan aku tak, dia cakap memang dia sayang, sebab aku wife dia. Tapi yang betul betul dia cinta is Ameera.
Masa ni macam macam cara aku buat untuk Dani cintakan aku.

Aku cantikkan diri aku sendiri, aku layan dia betul betul, aku literally beli buku cara memikat suami dan apply segala benda yang aku baca dan aku cari gali dari Internet.

Aku surprise kan dia dengan honeymoon, birthday dan macam macam lagi. Aku ubah diri aku seubahnya. Aku cuba jadi diri sendiri with the hint of Ameera.

Aku solat, aku doa sesungguhnya supaya dani cintakan aku lebih dari Ameera.Tapi Dani macam tu jugak. Seolah olah sia sia usaha aku selama ni.

Honestly, walaupun tengah hangat bercinta dengan Ameera, tak pernah kurang sedikit pun layanan Dani dekat aku. Masih bertanggung jawab macam selalu. Layan tengok movies setiap weekend, masih jalan berpegangan tangan dan memang macam normal lah.

Walaupun macam tu, aku tahu, jasad dia dengan aku. Hati, dengan Ameera. Dani masih baik di mata aku. Langsung tak sakitkan hati aku.

Sebab tu, lepas setahun kenal Ameera, lepas aku puas berusaha memikat Dani, aku izinkan dia kahwin dengan Ameera. Masa dia nikah, i was there.

Cuma masa sanding aku tak ada sebab majlis cuma buat sebelah perempuan. Malas lah nak attend. So bermula lah kehidupan aku bermadu.

Turn kami seminggu sekali. Seminggu di rumah aku, seminggu di rumah ameera. Tinggal apartment berdekatan. Walking distance lah kira. Sebelum Dani kahwin dengan Ameera, aku dah pesan, aku tak nak berkenalan dengan Ameera. Im okay with her, cuma aku tak mau rapat rapat macam bini bini Ashraf Muslim tu.

Cukup la sekadar tengok dari jauh. Sebabnya, aku jadi down bila tengok kesempurnaan ameera. Bagai langit dengan bumi nak dibandingkan dengan aku. Jealous much? Maybe. Dani memang berlaku adil. Tapi, somehow aku tetap rasa tak best.

Rasa memberontak. Aku asyik cari pasal dengan dani. Mungkin aku nak perhatian dia. Dani layan aku macam biasa. Tapi hati ni still tak tenteram.

Ntah la. Susah nak describe benda ni. Apa yang mampu aku describe, aku rasa macam melukut di tepi gantang. Memang Dani ada dengan aku, baik dengan aku, tapi aku tak rasa macam Dani tu aku punya. Its like, aku ni third wheel dalam relationship Dani dan Ameera.

I dont feel like aku dan dani is in a team anymore. Rasa macam tergantung. Rasa macam penuh, tapi kosong. Faham tak apa aku cuba sampaikan ni?

This is why aku pilih untuk undur diri. Dani mintak aku fikir sedalam dalamnya. Aku tak mampu nak bendung perasaan aku sendiri.

Aku pilih untuk korbankan perasaan aku sendiri supaya Dani boleh berbahagia dengan Ameera. Betul lah kata orang, menyayangi tak semestinya memiliki. Aku redha seredhanya.

Masa malam last aku dan Dani berbincang dalam bilik, tak satu pun air mata aku terjatuh depan dani.

Aku salam Dani, aku mintak ampun pada Dani kalau aku ada dosa dengan dia selama aku bergelar isteri dia, dia cakap, tak ada sekelumit dosa pun.

Dia pun mintak maaf sebab tak mampu cintakan aku sepenuhnya. Dani mintak maaf sambil gengam, ciom dan nagis di tangan aku.

Aku terkaku, sebab aku baru perasan, itu lah first time aku tengok dani menangis. Dani cium dahi aku, bagi salam, kemudian keluar dari rumah.

Saat aku tak dengar lagi kaki dia melangkah, terus aku peluk diri aku sendiri.

Aku tekapkan bantal pada muka aku, aku jerit, aku nagis semahunya. Harapan aku masa ni supaya Dani patah balik. Tengok sayang, im in pain. Come back and pick me. Pilih la aku balik. Terima la aku balik. Cakap dengan aku, kau sayangkan aku bukan Ameera. Love me, not her.

Tapi apakan daya, aku kalah. Dani never returned. Masa ni i was in my period. Nak solat, pun tak dapat, sentuh quran pun tak boleh.

Selama 3 hari aku menagis. Aku tak makan, aku minum je. Aku nangis, aku tido, bangun tido, nagis sampai tertido balik.

Sampai la parents aku sampai rumah. Aku dah longlai, busuk 3 hari tak mandi, terbaring macam orang gila atas katil. My parents pick me up.

Mak aku mandikan aku, setiap kali dia halakan shower kat aku, terkumat kamit aku dengar mak aku berselawat dengan suara terketar ketar menahan tangisan dia sendiri.

Aku rasa, jiwa mak aku jugak hancur tengok penderitaan satu satunya anak perempuan yang dia ada. They said nothing.

Depa mai rumah aku sebab Dani told them everything the day after he left me. 2 hari tak angkat phone, sebab tu depa mai to check on me.

Parents aku bawak aku balik kampung. Abang abang aku kemaskan rumah aku, carikan rumah sewa baru dan pindahkan aku ke rumah lain supaya aku dapat move on.

Sebulan aku cuti, tinggal dengan mak bapak aku. Kutip sendiri sisa – sisa kekuatan yang masih ada. Dalam masa sebulan tu jugak pencerraian aku disahkan.

Cepat, sebab aku dan dia bekerjasama dengan elok. Aku wakilkan bapak aku untuk berhubung dengan dani. Day 1 aku masuk kerja, aku kuatkan diri.

Memang berat langkah aku, tapi sebulan tinggal dengan mak bapak aku, sebulan tu jugak mak bapak aku kuatkan semangat aku.

Alhamdulilah, dengan kekuatan yg dibekalkan oleh parents aku, aku boleh lagi melawan perasaan aku. Aku kuat melangkah, tapi jiwa aku seakan m4ti.

Sepi, ketandusan. Aku tekan lift, menuju ke tingkat 11. Masa aku melalui tingkat 5 di mana ofis Dani berada, aku rasa berdebar.

Mengharap pintu lift terbukak dan Dani menunggu di pintu. Tapi lift mendaki laju sampai ke ofis aku.

Sampai aku di ofis, kawankawan aku trsenyum. Memeluk dan mengusap kepala aku. Aku bersyukur sangat aku direzekikan dengan kawan kawan ofis yang baik dan memahami.

Tak seorang pun bertanya apa yang berlaku. Semua mendoakan aku kuat, mendoakan aku melalui ujian Allah dengan tenang, memesan berkali – kali mereka ada jika aku perlukan pertolongan. Seminggu berlalu tanpa bayangan dani. Setiap kali sampai ke ofis, aku akan melalui tapak kereta dani. Aku tatap kereta Dani.

Menatap kereta berwarna putih nya dah cukup buat aku tersenyum. Teringat masa aku duduk di kerusi penumpang sebelah dani. Dani sentiasa serious masa memandu. Bhaya jika terleka katanya. Selalu aku ditegur jika tidak memakai tali pinggang. Kadang kadang sengaja aku tak pakai, saja mahu bermanja apabila ditegur.

Hari isnin menjelma, hari yang paling aku tunggu. Setiap isnin seluruh ofis akan mengadakan perhimpunan pagi. Dani sebagai head of department akan berada di hadapan. Hari isnin tu aku awal ke perhimpunan.

Dari tempat aku berdiri, aku kaku memandang Dani di hadapan. Sebulan lebih tak berjumpa, rasa macam nak lari dan peluk dani seerat eratnya.

Rindu sangat. Tapi aku tak mampu. Dani terpandang aku, senyum, aku memandang tempat lain. Senyuman manis itu tak sangup aku balas. Sebab aku perlu melindungi diri aku sendiri. Melindungi perasaan aku.

Selepas perhimpunan, aku update status whatsapp buat pertama kali, I NEED TO KEEP STRONG. 1 minit selepas tu, Dani membalas, May Allah ease your way. Aku kaku lagi, berdebar jantong, berkaca mata aku dengan tangisan sendiri. Kenapa perlu kau reply?

Kau faham tak kau dah menggangu perasaan aku?? Aku benci, tapi at the same time aku terharu. Dani masih ambik berat pasal aku.

Aku reply, terima kasih. Blue tick. Ikutkan aku mengharap sangat Dani reply lagi lebih lanjut.

Aku nak main text dengan dia lagi. Aku rindu sangat sangat. Menitik lagi air mata aku. Spoil mood aku sepanjang hari.

Mulai hari tu, hari hari aku update status whatsapp aku. Selalu aku tunggu sama ada Dani online ke tak. Bila dia online, terus aku update status. Bila Dani view, aku rasa berbunga hati. Oh ya, Dani tak ada insta dan fb. Whatsapp saja. Sebab tu aku hanya gunakan whatsapp untuk menagih perhatian dani.

Walaupun sekadar view status whatsapp, tapi dah cukup buat aku hepi. Cukup buat aku rasa Dani tahu aku wujud. Setiap kali dani view, aku tengok nama Dani di senarai viewed status aku.

Dari bulan 7, sampai hari ni, itu lah rutin aku setiap hari. Update status, tunggu Dani view. Hepi bila dia view, tak keruan kalau dia online tapi tak view.

Dulu dia selalu reply, sekarang langsung tak reply. Sekadar view. Aku pun tak tahu kenapa. Bosan agaknya aku asyik update status.

Aku tahu, aku sedar, memang aku pathetic. Tapi itu ja cara untuk aku rasa macam dia beri perhatian pada aku. Hingga pada saat ni, aku masih menunggu perhimpunan isnin untuk aku tatap wajah Dani walau untuk 15minit.

Setiap kali melalui tingkat 5, aku mengharap lift terbuka dan dani berdiri di depanya, setiap kali aku melalui kereta Dani, aku mengharap untuk pulang dengan Dani. Tapi semua pengharapan yang kosong. Menyedihkan hidup aku. Aku sedar. Aku masih mengumpulkan kekuatan untuk aku lupakan dani.

Aku dah mintak transfer ke cawangan lain. Aku sayang nak tinggal kan kawan kawan ofis aku yang baik sangat.

Tapi i have to do it. I have to protect myself. Aku kena lupakan Dani untuk aku terus kedepan. InsyaAllah, bulan depan aku transfer ke cawangan yang lebih dekat dengan kampung aku.

Pada saat ni, aku cuma mengharap yang baik baik. Muhammad Daniel, I’m sorry. Tapi, i really love u. I’m sorry.

Sumber : Lyn via IIUMC. Kredit edisimedia.

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